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Career Growth 1
Apology and the Seven Deadly Sins
By John Kador
There’s a right and
wrong way to apologize. So be careful: a badly-worded apology is
often worse than no apology at all. While there is no way to
guarantee that an apology will be accepted, there are seven words
that will always cut off any apology at its knees before it has a
chance to walk. Avoid these seven apology busters and your apology
has a much better chance of being accepted.
1. If
As
in “I
certainly apologize if I offended anyone” or “I’m sorry if you
considered my remarks offensive.”
The word “if” is the nastiest qualifier in any apology. By
making the apology contingent, the apologizer says the offense may
or may not have happened at all. Even if the offense did happen, it
has more to do with the sensibilities of the victim than the
responsibility of the apologizer. This is infuriating for the
victim, for whom the offense is very real.
2. But
As in, I am very sorry, but you started it,” or “I apologize,
but I thought you wouldn’t mind.”
The word
“but” is almost
always guaranteed to botch an apology. The goal is to deflect some
of the responsibility of the offense from ourselves. Guess who’s
the lucky beneficiary of the responsibility the offender is so
generously willing to share?
3. May
As in
“I am sorry my remarks may have been misinterpreted” or “It’s
possible I may have said something offensive.”
Using the word
“may” as a conditional in an apology is another way to distance
yourself from accountability. The use of “may” serves to turn very
a real offense into a mere hypothetical.
4. Were or Was
As
in the passive “I'm sorry you were hit” or “It’s too bad that your
reputation was damaged”
when what you
mean is “I’m sorry I hit you” or “I apologize for damaging your
reputation. The
passive voice is
another way of avoiding responsibility when you have done something
you don’t want to accept responsibility for. The classic
formulation: “mistakes were made.”
5. Know
As in “I know just how you feel” or “You know I’d never want
to offend you.”
Pretending you know
how the victim feels comes out of the same arrogance as the original
offense. If you go in with the attitude that you know how the
victim feels, all you’re going to do is enrage him or her.
6. Intention
As in, “It was never my intention to let it go so far” or “I
never intended to hurt you.” One of the hardest lessons for apologizers to learn is that
the first thing victims care about is consequences, not intentions.
7. Want
As in “I want to apologize to you.”
“I want to apologize” may sound like an apology, but is no more
about actually apologizing than “I want to lose weight” is about
actually losing weight. It’s good to want to apologize; it’s
better to actually do it.
Using these seven dirty
words in an apology often compounds the offense by suggesting that
the offender didn’t really do it, or if he did, it wasn’t that bad,
or the victim was morally clueless and it had it coming in the
bargain. An apology is effective when the offender recognizes the
offense, takes responsibility, expresses remorse, offers
restitution, and promises not to do it again. When you’ve taken
full ownership of your responsibility, when you don’t trail your
apology with excuses or mitigators like so many brooms behind an
elephant—then you have truly apologized.
John Kador is the
author of Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges,
and Restoring Trust (Berrett-Koehler, 2009). He can be
contacted at
jkador@effectiveapology.com . More information about the book
is at
www.effectiveapology.com
Editor's Note:
John’s book has
been endorsed by a number of business thought leaders, including Tom
Peters. See Tom’s comments at
http://www.tompeters.com/entries.php?note=011012.php.
Zuk-Lloyd Associates, Inc. – Creative writing and art solutions.
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