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Shirley
Shirley is guilty. Here's the rest of the report...
Later, when Detective Lawson had a confession and a set of handcuffs on the guilty woman, he asked me how I did it.
“Simple, Lawson. There were just the three suspects: Lois, Shirley and Anita. The first clue came from Lois when she said to Louie, ‘Try talking to that barmaid of yours. She knows more than she’s telling.’ Now, Lawson, obviously Lois is not the barmaid. Either Shirley or Anita is the barmaid.”
Lawson looked at me like I’m crazy. “But everybody knows that Lois ain’t the barmaid.”
“Don’t interrupt, Lawson. The next thing that was important is when I asked Lois, “What about Shirley?” Since Lois had just said that she is suspicious of the barmaid, then Shirley is someone other than the barmaid.
Lawson smacked himself on the forehead. “Only a dunce wouldn’t know that Shirley ain’t no barmaid.”
“Quiet, Lawson and listen. Since Lois and Shirley are not the barmaid, then Anita must be the barmaid. And that means that Anita is not the hash slinger or waitress.”
Lawson threw his hat on the floor. “But… but… but…”
“No buts about it, Lawson. Next, Anita told me she heard Shirley talking to the waitress and she sounded guilty to her. This means that Shirley and Anita are not the waitress. Therefore, Lois is the waitress.”
“I coulda told you that ten minutes ago, you mangy writer. She's standing right over there in that skimpy waitress outfit.”
“Doesn’t matter what somebody is wearing, Lawson. Only the facts count. Speaking of which, I knew that Shirley was not the barmaid and not the waitress. Therefore, she was the hash slinger.
“Ain’t Shirley the one with grease all over her apron and the big white chef’s hat on?”
“Shut up, Lawson. I ain’t finished yet. I now knew that Anita was the barmaid, Lois was the waitress and Shirley was the hash slinger. Since I was talking to the waitress and the barmaid at the time the extortionist telephoned Louie, then the hash slinger was guilty. Since Shirley was the hash slinger, she was the extortionist.”
“But you coulda said that a long time ago. You know these people don’t you?” Lawson shook his head and headed for the door leaving me to my cup of joe and that smoke-filled bar, the Black Dingus, where a guy only knows what he knows.
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